It’s a gloomy day in June. I don’t mind it’s actually refreshing because it puts me in the mood to turn on classical music and write. Yes, I love writing to classical music! Something about it helps the words flow.
I have recently been visiting a lot of my past and how that has shaped who I am today. As I reflect I realize how some part of me is still judging me for what I do, who I am and the path I have chosen.
On my Facebook, I have seen so many of the kids I grew up graduate from Medical School. Some part of me feels triggered when I see this. Perhaps the part of me that doesn’t feel good enough because I didn’t go down that path to be a doctor. I started on the path, but after a revelation my sophomore year in college, I chose differently. Even though I know in my heart the path I chose and what I am doing today is where I really belong, some part of me still judges me for who I could have been. A doctor, academically educated with MD behind my name. And somehow that would make me more worthy, deserving or good enough. At least that was what I was taught. To judge myself based on my accomplishments, academic degrees and letters behind my name. To feel good enough and worthy about myself because of what I did – in this case become a doctor – and because I didn’t, I wasn’t good enough or worthy.
I know that no one is perpetuating this on me, but me. That is what I am learning to let go of and stop being defined by.
Stop being defined by what I do, who I am in relation to other people, what my academic background is and by being a doctor.
I think so many of us use our jobs, our relationships and money as a way to define our worth, value and enoughness. And if your parents used this scale to determine their love for you then, you grow up to be an adult with major insecurities about your value, worth and enoughness. Like I did.
Then, you realize that the beliefs you have about yourself aren’t even yours – you took them on as yours because you didn’t know better. You didn’t understand that if something didn’t feel good, it’s a sign that it’s out of harmony with you. Instead, if something didn’t feel good, you assumed something was wrong with you and somehow you have to prove yourself by being what is expected of you.
Even though what is expected of you is not at all what you truly desire for yourself, but you mold yourself into this object, an inauthentic self, so someone else can be happy with you – so someone can judge your worth, value and enoughness – so then somehow you can then feel complete and good about you.
What I have learned is that if something outside of me makes me feel bad then, that is a cue that I have given my power away. I have let something else – be it a circumstance, challenge, event 0r someone else define how I feel about me. This makes me feel powerless, helpless and a victim.
What I can do differently is to become acutely aware when I don’t feel good. It is always because of a negative thought that is not in harmony with WHO I REALLY AM and HOW I REALLY WANT TO FEEL ABOUT ME. I can do this by checking-in with myself and asking one simple question:
How do I feel right now?
Our feelings will always tell us if we’re in harmony with WHO WE ARE or if we are out of harmony with who we are. This simple and effective practice can save us a lot of pain and suffering, but it also puts the power back into our hands to decide how we want to feel about ourselves.
How you feel about you is EVERYTHING! From this place of power we can choose our worth, value, enoughness and wholeness. We are no longer at the mercy of external forces to choose for us, how we feel about ourselves. This is a habit that will greatly shape the quality of our lives and give us strength to respond to our lives with more grace, clarity and awareness.
But most of all, it will set us free to truly be authentic and powerful people who have chosen the radical revolution of deciding for themselves how they feel about themselves. Period.
Be patient. Be gentle. Be kind.